Listening Ears at Emory

We recieved this dilemma on our gmail account. Please keep them coming!

Q: My roommate’s boyfriend practically lives in our house and does his laundry and showers here. My roommates and I don’t know how to address the situation because it affects our water bill and we are all paying for it. What should we do?

            Living off campus has its ups and downs.  While you are free from the candle and microwave restrictions of the dorms, living with friends is not always easy.  Dealing with an unplanned roommate, like a boyfriend or girlfriend of one of your roommates, is definitely among the most challenging situations of off-campus life.  Whether this “extra” roommate is increasing your monthly utility bill or dominating couch space, you can get very irritated.  It makes sense that you would feel both frustrated and confused about this situation.  It is not fair that you have to absorb the costs of someone else’s intake.  On the other hand, roommate spats are delicate matters because you don’t want to create tension.  It is obvious that this issue is really bothering you and might even be effecting your relationship with your roommate, class work, or personal relationships. 

One option you can exercise is to just try to ignore the problem. This may leave you smoldering with increasing frustration and short of cash or you might just “get over it.”  Another avenue which you can take is to approach your roommate about your concerns.  This might seem like a scary prospect. What if I get flustered and can’t articulate what I mean? What if it turns into a screaming match? Something that might be helpful in quelling your fears and hashing out what you would like to say is writing a letter or outline beforehand.  You could even practice it with someone else, like doing a sort of role play.  It also might also be a good idea to approach your roommate at a time when she is not busy writing a paper, rushing out the door, or lying on the couch with her boyfriend.  A good time might be when you are all sitting around watching T.V. or just vegging out.  In addition, you might try to choose your words and attitude toward this situation carefully. No one likes to feel “attacked” so steering clear of hostile words and accusatory tones is generally a good idea.  Another idea is to elect one “speaker” in the group of roommates to further downplay the “ganging up” effect.  It might also be constructive to address the situation more from an emotional standpoint. For example, “Hey Grace, I’ve noticed that Jon has been showering here a few times a week and doing his laundry here on a weekly basis. This has made me feel really anxious because the extra cost to heat and run the water is really eating up my rent money.” In focusing on how the actions at hand are affecting your feelings, your roommate might be more apt to sympathize with you because she will realize she is affecting how you feel, rather than just your wallet.  After laying out the situation, and soliciting her feelings on the topics, you might try to collaboratively come up with solutions instead of telling her what you think she should do.  Perhaps you can suggest that next month, you divide up the heating and water bill to include an extra person. Or maybe your roommate can pay for a larger share of the cable bill. Whatever you decide on, it might be a good idea to write it down so no one forgets and it is clearly delineated.  Ending your discussion on a light note, like “Don’t worry, we won’t make you pay more for the air filters we use because Jon breathes here a lot,” is usually a good way to diffuse tension.  In some situations, it might feel “weird” for a little bit; money matters can be very awkward, especially when they involve friends.  Continuing to treat all of your roommates with respect and maintaining open communication can help your relationships and overall wellness get back on track.